I’m here to set the story straight once and for all. You see there’s been this crazy rumor going around that the chicks that works at Lanikai Juice are hot and their smoothies aren’t bad either. Well one day after the beach we decided to give the smoothies a try and give our eyes a sweet treat while we were at it. All I have to say is, “Bullshit.” Now, I’m not saying that the girls were ugly, that they are not. It’s just that I have such high expectations. This rumor has been running wild for years now, probably ever since Lanikai Juice opened up and I’m sure that they, at one point and time had some very hot babes working the counter but times have changed. All Ray had to say was, “Baby, Lanikai Juice just isn’t the same anymore.” Anyway, my point is, if your gonna be sexist and only hire females then stick to the protocol and make sure they’re hot other wise stop with all the rumors. It’s just not cool to bite the hand that feeds you, you know what I’m saying.

Anyway, this blog is about food so lets get on with it. As soon as I noticed that they had acai bowls I had to give it a try. You see, ever since I found the acai bowl at the Health Bar my life hasn’t been the same. They have the most amazing bowls but the service is like dealing with I.N.S. (immagration and naturalization services); they take their sweet time and get to you when they feel you waited an adequet amount of time while your left there wondering if your order was misplaced or lost, do they even know I exist . . . yes of course they do, they just don’t care. For some inane reason the hiring manager at the Health Bar thinks that eye candy is a good compensation for the imbeciles that he hires. So, you see, I have this love hate relationship with the Health Bar, love the food, hate the retards. So I’m in search for a replacement. Ray got the Acai Traditional: 16 oz of double acai, bananas, granola, and apple juice for $5.95.

I got the Acai Extravaganza: 16 oz double acai, bananas, berries, granola, and apple juice with coconut shavings to top it off for $6.75.

In my professional opinion, I need to keep on searching. The smoothie was way too runny, the coconuts didn’t mix well with it and service just wasn’t that great to be honest. I prefer my acai bowls with honey so when I notice that honey was no where to be found I went back in and asked for some. I had to go back in the long line just for honey and was even charged for it. They gave me this teeny, tiny half full, 2 oz serving of honey for .50 cents each (I got two). I hate places that nickel and dime you for shit. It’s so not cool. Some things should be free, like honey. Volcano Joes gives it for free. It’s right there, out in the open, you don’t even have to get back in line for it. Star Bucks will even give free honey, you just have to ask the person at the counter, but they paired up with T-Moble to nickel and dime you for internet, which, in my opinion, should also be free. I’m not saying every business should give free internet, but if you offer something, give it. That’s all. It’s not that expensive and you can write it off when you do taxes. End of story.

I don’t think I’ll be coming back, but if you want to check it out for yourself be my guest.

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Lanikai Juice
600 Kailua Rd
Kailua, HI 96734
(808) 262-2383

O.k this is for all you skinny cows, I found a place that is definitely worth mentioning. It’s healthy, scrumptious and they have cute little employees - females, to serve you. The first time Ray and went to the health bar was a few weeks back after hiking Diamond Head. We had originally intended on going to Bogarts, a cute little cafe right next door, but they were way too busy. We were famished and decided on going next door to the Health Bar.

The place had an artsy island atmosphere. The menu was written on chalk board above where young, inviting employees worked. Now I didn’t say the place was cheap. Actually, I thought, as most health places are, a little overpriced. Throw organic, or health on something only means more money. I was going to order a smoothie for 5.25 but Ray notice this bowl that two girls at a near by table was munching on. It looked like a smoothie in a bowl, with stuff in it. I went over and asked them what they were eating and if it was any good. The girl’s eyes popped out of her skull as she said, “it’s the acai bowl and it’s sooo good.” Alright, I’ll have one of those. If it had the power to do that to her round little eyes just think of what it could do to my slanty wide screen vision eyes. I had to know. Da Cove Bowl is like a fruit smoothie, with acai fruit, mixed berries, banana, strawberry and granola and topped with honey for $6.50. The Mana Bowl is two dollars more, $8.50 because it has more acai fruit and includes bee pollen. Now, if your like most people your probably thinking, “what the fuck is an acai fruit? And bee pollen? No thanks, I have allergies”

I’ll start with the acai fruit. Acai (pronounced ah-sigh-EE) is from Brazil’s Amazon rain forests and is the fruit of a palm tree. Here are some benefits of acai berries.

• Greater Energy and Stamina
• Improved Digestion
• Better Quality Sleep
• High Protein Value
• High level of Fiber
• Rich Omega Content for Your Heart
• Boosts Your Immune System
• Essential Amino Acid Complex
• Helps Regulate Cholesterol Levels
• 33x the Antioxidant Power of Red Grapes and Red Wine

Acai is also loaded with Vitamins B1, B2, B3, Vitamin E, Vitamin C, Phosphorus, Calcium, Potassium, Fiber, and Proteins, all essential to your daily well being and health.

As for bee pollen, the nutrients found in Bee Pollen include polyphenols, enzymes, beneficial fatty acids, free amino acids, vitamin complexes, chelated minerals and trace elements, as well as a large array of phytonutrients. Since the nutrients in Bee Pollen are extremely concentrated even a small amount will complement any diet. Perhaps it’s worth the extra two dollars for the extra acai fruit and bee pollen.

Uhh, not when you cheap. Ray got the Da Cove Bowl, and I splurged and got the Mana Bowl. We sat outside and waited and waited and waited. I went inside to see what was taking so long. Did they forget about us? I mean, the only other people in there were the bug eyed girls. I stood in front of the counter making sure my presence would go unnoticedd. The two girls behind the counter chatted away, taking their sweet time, even stopping every so often to make hand gestures or stop in awe of what the other had to say. Hello, Blondie, and Miss Asian Persuasion, are you dense?. You throw all the ingredients into the blender and press the button. After 30 minutes of waiting we finally got our order. One word, orgasmic. I forgot to add that you get an option of chewy or crunchy granola. We both chose crunchy. Not only do they put granola atop but also there is granola at the bottom so you don’t have to worry about trying to make it last. The bee pollen has a subtle sweet taste that you probably wouldn’t even notice if you didn’t see it. This is the ideal treat for a hot day. It’s light, refreshing and healthy. The Health Bar is close to Diamond Head so after your vigorous hike you can reward yourself to a healthy treat and still feel good about it. Now if smoothies aren’t your thing they also offer other items such as, fish wrap - $9.25, veggie omelet- $8.00, fish salad - sm $10.25, lg $13.50, hummus - $8.75 and fresh squeezed juice for $6.50. $6.50? I could buy at least two cartons of juice for that much. I never said this place was cheap and they definitely don’t have supersonic service. Here’s my advice, order one Mana Bowl over the phone ahead of time and share it. One is large enough for two if your not hungry. The number is 808 732-8744, Drink water, it’s free, healthy and, thank God, self serve. If you want more information, here’s a link to their web site

Diamond Head Cove Health Bar Directions