Chili’s, yet another chain. Hey, I’m not a huge fan of Chili’s either. As a matter of fact I got fired from Chili’s years ago for drinking on the job. Can you believe that shit? And after everything I’ve done for them. Whatever I don’t hold grudges, I get revenge by writing them a horrible review. Just kidding. Like I said, I don’t know how to lie so here goes, I think Chili’s hires only illegal Mexican immigrants. No joke, when I use to work there, not this one but one in California, all they had back there were Mexicans. There’s not a chance in hell a White or Chinese person could get a job as a cook or dish washer. I don’t care how good their resume looks and trust me affirmative action won’t be there. Now I know there’s not a whole lot of Mexicans here on the island but I have a hunch that most of them, except for Ray, are working illegally there.

Lets get to the nitty gritty shall we. Ahhhhh dessert, how I love thee, let me count the bites. Seriously, this Molten Chocolate Cake $7.99, is so good I want to smear it all over my body and make love to it, only it would burn me because it’s freaking hot, so I have to settle for putting it in my mouth. It’s a scoop of vanilla ice cream covered with a hard chocolate shell on top of a bed of warm chocolate cake filled with hot chocolate fudge. There are times when it’s worth ever cute dimple on your ass to indulge, this is one of those times.

Here’s a repeat just in case you missed the first one.

The funny thing is, Ray and I came here to be somewhat healthy. I mean we did have the best of intentions by ordering a salad and sharing it. This is the Quesadilla Explosion, $12.99. “Fajita marinated chicken, corn relish, mixed cheeses, cilantro, diced tomato & crispy tortilla strips. Garnished with a chipotle ranch drizzle & cheese quesadilla wedges. Served with citrus balsamic dressing.”

Yeah, it’s probably not very healthy at all. It was alright. Ray really likes this salad. If you want my advise, go to Costco, they have this fiesta salad mix that’s to die for, with dressing and all. Swing by Chinatown, where produce is cheap, and pick up a white onion, tomato, lime, and cilantro. Chop it all up, mix up the salad, squeeze some lime juice in and a splash of tabasco if you like it spicy, throw in the dressing and there you have it one of the best salads ever. It would kicks this ones ass.

A fan of Chili’s but not all the tourist that flock round Waikiki? Well then I suggest taking a trip over to Kahala. I’m too really a fan of Chili’s but Ray is so whenever he gets his Chili’s cravings we compromise by going over to the one in Kahala. I like this one so much more. First, the location along is worth the drive. We don’t have to deal with crowds of tourist. Second, the ambiance is in better taste. I notice that I don’t have a photo of the inside of the Chili’s in Waikiki, but it’s like the Chili’s you see everywhere else. It’s a clutter of outdated photos from 1970 and 80’s, of when they use to be involved in the community. I hate the cluttered look at restaurants. To me they convey, “hey we have no designing skills so we’re just going to put all kinds of random shit everywhere and hope it looks good.” Anyway, I think the old designer of Chili’s got fired because this is what the Chili’s at Kahala looks like

What an improvement. I think they should redesign all the old Chili’s to look like this. There’s no clutter anywhere and tons of natural lighting fills the room.

There’s also bar seating, which is where we decided to sit to mix it up a bit. Well, not really. There was a 40 minute wait, so it was wait or sit at the bar. We took the bar.

It seems as though every time I come here I end up eating these Southwestern Egg rolls, $9.79. A good thing too because they are so so good. They’re filled with smoked chicken, black beans, corn, jalapeno jack cheese, red peppers and spinach all wrapped inside a crispy flour tortilla and served with this amazing avocado ranch dipping sauce. I love them when I’m eating them, but hate them when I see the bill. At $9.79 for 6 half pieces, that’ only three eggrolls, which means I paid over three dollars for a stupid eggroll. Fuck you Chili’s for making a delicious egg roll so good that even cheap ass me will bend my wallet just to get my hands on one. Fuck you straight up your sweet pie hole.

Chili’s sure knows how to dress up a simple salad. This was a basic salad, with Romain lettuce. Add tomatoes, croutons and cheese and you have a pretty desirable salad. We ordered this salad with our meal for $3.99 but if you order it alone it cost $5.29.

This was Ray’s pick, The Old Timer with Cheese, $9.49 and cheese cost an extra $1.00. It’s a basic burger with lettuce, tomato, onions, pickles and lettuce. Ray couldn’t have been happier with this pick. I took a bite and admit it was a good burger, but just so you know, a great burger doesn’t impress me. I’m not a burger whore, but Ray, he’s from Texas, so let’s just stereotype here and say all Texans are burger whores. I remember after dinner Ray was like, “wow, that was a really good burger. It was so juicy and just really hit the spot.” And I was like, “yeah, yeah, it’s a fucking cow, get over it. Hey do you want any dessert?” Anyway, it impressed Ray so much that about a week later we were back and Ray ordered the same burger.

Shane, our roommate ordered the Triple Dipper, $12.99. I’m a fan of this dish because you get a variety of choices to choose from: boneless Shanghai wings, southwestern eggrolls, boneless buffalo wings, wings over buffalo, chicken crispers, spinach and artichoke dip and fried cheese. You get three picks. He chose two servings of the southwestern eggrolls and spinach and artichoke dip.

There you have it folks. If your willing to check it out there’s directions below.

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Chili’s
2350 Kuhio Ave
Honolulu, HI 96815
(808) 922-9697

Chili’s
4211 Waialae Ave
Honolulu, HI 96816

Get Directions(808) 738-5773
Get D

I’m a sugar whore. I will never deny myself of her sweet, sweet love. Actually, if you ask me, sugar is a great substitute for love. In desperate need to get laid? Save yourself an STD and bake yourself a cake instead sweetheart. Go ahead, get kinky, no ones watching. Bust out the whip cream, cherries and nuts. Oh you wild animal you. Alright you sick bastard, that’s enough, back to business. Ted’s Bakery is in North Shore and it’s a winner in my book. I came here after lunch specifically for a slice of cake and that is exactly what I got.

I ordered a haupia cream cake and it was amazing. The cake was moist, and the cream wasn’t too sweet. It was a special kind of goodness in my mouth. A hefty slice cost me around $2.75. Since it was a typical gorgeous day here on the island of Oahu, I chose to enjoy my cake outside. Whoever said, “you can’t have your cake and eat it too,” was stupid.

Ted’s Bakery might specialize in cake, but they also have a full menu as well. I didn’t get to try any of it so I can’t give you my two cents. But I did take a menu home and when It comes to cheap, this place passes right through. Breakfast sandwiches were $3.15 - $4.25. Breakfast plates ranged from $4.50 - $6.50. Hot sandwiches were between $3.50 - $6.25 and plate lunches were $6.35 - $8.75. I’m definitely a fan.

Like I said I ‘m a fan, so it should come to no surprise that I made another trip to Ted’s Bakery.

There’s some nice seating right outside but it was a little wet today so I decided to take my dessert to go and ate it in my car.

Now as soon as I laid my eyes upon it I knew it was destiny.

It’s called Pineapple macadamia nut cheesecake, $3.41, but I would of named it something else, since the base of the cake is carrot cake.

But who gives a shit what it’s called it was magnificent. Carrot cake, cheesecake, pineapple and macadamia nut, what a great orgy of a dessert. The cake was moist, the cheese was creamy and the thin layer of pineapple on top was sweet, however I didn’t see or really taste much of any macadamia nuts.

I have to say the amount they give is perfect, not too much and not too little. Here take a closer look.

Stop licking your monitor, that’s dicussting. There’s directions down below, go get your own.

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Ted’s Bakery
59-024 Kamehameha Hwy
Haleiwa, HI 96712

Get Directions(808) 638-8207