I’m sure some of you have been to Ono Hawaiian Food so maybe one of you guys could tell me what the hell is really going on here. I mean every time I drive by during peak hours there’s this ridiculous line out the door. My sister came down from Los Angeles not too long ago so when she said she wanted some authentic Hawaiian food I was like, “sweet I know the perfect place, ” so I think. The food has got to be pretty freaking spectacular if people are willing to wait in line out in the rain like it was the morning of black Friday or something.

We got there just before closing and the people that came a few minutes after us were denied entrance enough though the neon sign said open. As you can see from inside the place looks like a small hole in the wall. I felt like I walked right into someones scrapbook. The walls were covered with clutters of pictures, memories, old newspaper clippings, and random scraps that was obviously pieces of someones life but meant diddle lei squat to me.

Service was below average. There’s Hawaiian service with aloha spirit and then there’s island service with an attitude. This was closer to island service. My sister, being a tourist and extremely picky, kept asking questions that are stupid to us but typical for tourist. “What is haupia? What’s laulau? What’s poi? How is it cooked? Do you guys use a lot of oil? Can you steam it?” I just kept telling myself that she’s your sister and a tourist, they don’t know any better but I could tell our waiter’s patience was wearing thin. Finally we decided upon the Combination Plate. Since it was a combo of a few of their signature items and the most expensive item on the menu, $14.75, I was certain that it would be a kick ass meal. The combination plate came with kalua pig and laulau, pipikaula, lomi salmon, haupia and rice.

Looks like a pile of shit.

This is your asshole . . .

This is your asshole on drugs . . . it blows up. Any questions? I think laulau would have been much more effective then that stupid egg commercial they played year after year. Watching them fry it only made me hungry for a loco moco. Now kids don’t judge a book by its cover. Although the laulau here may look like someones asshole on drugs, it tastes real good. So go ahead and toss that salad. I did and I loved it. No really, this was probably the best thing in the combo plate. The meat was really tender with just enough fat for flavor. I think every tourist that comes here should get their hands on some real laulau before they leave so they know what they’re missing out on back in the mainland.

This is the Lomi Salmon. If this dish looks small to you it’s because it is. All the food came in these small sauce dishes. The sad thing is the picture makes it look bigger than it really is. I took a close up so you guys can see what the food actually looks like. Maybe I just didn’t know how to eat it because It seemed like I was just eating salsa. It was bits of salmon and tons of tomatoes.

This is the Kalua Pig. Like the laulau it was tender, moist, and just overall really good. It wasn’t too salty or too greasy.

Along with our meal came some hot sauce. It was brought in the same sauce dishes as everything else so you guys have an idea of how small everything was.

This is the Pipikaula and no I didn’t eat any of it before I took a picture. It only came with two pieces of meat. Pipikaula can mean anything from cold beef jerky to slow smoked ribs. In this case it was cold beef jerky. And that’s exactly what it tasted like, cold jerky or left over scraps of someones food from two weeks ago left in a to go box in the back of a refrigerator for stupid tourists. It was weird to eat beef jerky for dinner, but fuck it. All I’m saying is next time I get invited to a pot luck my ass is bringing a bag of beef jerky. “What, you guys don’t know about beef jerky for dinner, man you guys gotta get out more. Hawaiians do it all the time, it’s tradition.”

And this is sliced onions. I’m not trying to be ignorant but I am clueless. The more I looked at my dinner the more it seemed like left over scraps. Onions for dinner? I don’t get it. Am I suppose to eat it with the laulau? Put hot sauce over it and eat it with the beef jerky? Or maybe, just maybe it’s plan B for a really bad date. “Oh sorry, I would love to kiss you but I just had a dish of raw onions but thanks for dinner and don’t call me I’ll call you.” That has to be it.

And the last of the Combination Plate was the haupia. It was mushy. I’ve had better.

Along with our Combination Plate Selena ordered a side of Kim Chee, $1.80. It was good. I love homemade kim chee.

Selena also ordered a side of Plain Butterfish (Boiled), $5.25. This was the biggest disappointment for my sister. She kept going on and on about how this tasted exactly like moms fish and how mom would go to the grocery store buy a whole fish and make it exactly like this and it cost less than $5.00 and have enough for two days. I have to agree, $5.25 for a few pieces of cheap fish is absurd to me. The fish was good but I will probably never order this again and my mom makes it so much better.

Like I said, I just don’t get it. This place was on my list of places that I had to try just because of the crazy lines that formed out the door. It’s sad but it seems as though every time I go to one of these long ass lines out the door places I end up being hugely disappointed. This place was no different.

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Ono Hawaiian Food
726 Kapahulu Ave
Honolulu, HI
(808) 737-2275

Don’t judge me because of this blog. If you want to know the truth, I can’t stand McDonald’s. I don’t think anyone one should ever step foot in a fast food establishment. However there are exceptions. For example, when I traveled to China a few years back, I was a huge fan of McDonald’s; their #1 fan, I should of bought stock, I loved them so much. I didn’t necessarily go there for food, but more for their free facilities. Another acceptable reason for going into a fast food joint is when they offer new items, not a new double hamburger with special sauce, but more like new items that are only offered in that region. Which is my reason for going to this McDonald’s, the taro root pie.

For those of you that are not familiar with taro root, let me share some knowledge with you. Taro root is native to Asia and grown extensively in the Pacific. It’s commonly used in the Hawaiian dish, poi. Good-quality taro root will be firm, brown and have hairy roots and must be eaten cooked with the skins removed. Use in a wide array of dishes, taro root is available year-round. It contains no fat, no cholesterol, no sodium, has few calories, and is very starchy.

As for the taro root pie, it looks just like McDonald’s classic apple pie on the outside, but on the inside it looks like Barney took a big fat shit.

A lot of my friends don’t like taro root because the only time they ever had it was at a fake luau. where it was in the form of poi, which has been said to taste like glue. In truth, this wasn’t bad. It’s not something I would come back for seconds for but it served its purpose and filled my curiosity. I liked it, a little. I was surprised to see that it even resembled the picture.

Wow! Now that’s pretty fucking impressive.

The taro root pie cost me .99 cents and is not offered on the mainland, not that I’m aware of. Now, here’s my advice, you should make a day of it and head to Barnes and Nobles, buy Fast Food Nation, the book. If your not a fan of reading, it’s cool, rent it instead at the local video store, I suggest Diamond Head Video. Also while your at it rent Super Size Me. On the way home make a quick stop at McDonald’s and treat your self to something fantastic. Don’t forget to super size it!

As I mentioned before I only go to McDonald’s for their free facilities and food that’s only offered here and no where else. Pies must be an easy outlet for them to venture out and be creative. When I first saw McDonald’s marketing their new Haupia Pies for .99 cents I knew that one day I would have enough time, money and energy to go and pick one of these bad boys up and give it a whirl.

Now for those of you that don’t know what the heck a haupia is, no worries. Haupia just means coconut milk based. In most cases it comes in the form of gelatin, but it’s also enjoyed as a cream or custard filling as it is here.

Again, I hate to admit it but this was good. The outside crust was crispy and flaky while the haupia filling inside was creamy, a little lumpy, warm, and not too sweet. Man, I really wish I hated the shit out of these pies. Trust me I want to bash the hell out of McDonalds’, but honesty is my freaking policy. Hey don’t get me wrong now, this was for blog purposes only. The pie you see here is the first and last haupia pie I will ever eat.

I would give you directions, but what’s the point? There’s a McDonalds’ at every other corner of every street in the world. If you can’t find one you are stupid.